How to Stay Grounded in the Face of Challenging Behaviour

We’ve all been there – someone challenges our ideas in a meeting, throws us a tricky question during a presentation, or engages in a way that makes us uncomfortable. It’s what many of us would call “Challenging Behaviour”.

These moments often leave us feeling frustrated, defensive, or even threatened, especially when they occur in ‘High-Stakes Situations’. But what if we could respond to them with Curiosity and Empathy rather than reacting out of discomfort?

What Is Challenging Behaviour?

For most of us, challenging behaviour occurs when someone’s communication doesn’t align with our expectations or worldview.

These interactions can provoke strong reactions in us because they feel disruptive; whether it’s a colleague questioning your input during a meeting or an audience member throwing a curveball during a presentation.

In those moments, we feel judged. We interpret their actions as a threat to our competence, authority, or credibility.

Consider these scenarios:

• You share an idea in a meeting, and someone questions your logic in a way that feels like a personal attack.
• You’re delivering a presentation, and an audience member asks a question that seems intended to undermine you.
• A senior leader engages with you in a way that makes you feel small or unimportant.

These interactions feel even more intense when there’s a lot on the line—when you’re in a ‘High-Stakes Situation’, where the result of the communication has significant consequences.

The Fight-or-Flight Response

At the core of how we handle challenging behaviour is the human need for safety.

When someone challenges us unexpectedly, it triggers the brain’s fight-or-flight response, our natural reaction to perceived threats. This response is designed to protect us in situations of danger, but in communication, it can lead us to react impulsively or defensively instead of responding thoughtfully.

What we’re really saying to ourselves in these moments is: “How can I remain calm and feel safe when everything around me feels out of control – UNKNOWN?”

The Mask Behind Challenging Behaviour

When faced with challenging behaviour, our default response is often to label it negatively: “He’s aggressive,” “She’s angry,” or “They’re trying to embarrass me.”

But what if there’s more to it?

In workshops, I often run an exercise where I ask participants to observe an image and describe what they see. Most will say things like:

• “He’s really frustrated.”
• “She’s angry.”
• “They’re being difficult.”

Then, I ask them to dig deeper. What might be behind that behaviour? Perhaps:

• “They’re passionate about the topic.”
• “They’re uncomfortable with silence.”
• “They’re engaging this way because they care deeply and want to be heard.”

This exercise highlights an essential truth: People wear masks, and the behaviour we see on the surface may not reflect their true feelings or motivations. Often, challenging behaviour stems from someone’s own fears, frustrations, or insecurities.

Shifting Your Mindset: Curiosity Over Reactivity

If we want to handle challenging behaviour more effectively, we must take a step back before reacting. Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about someone’s intentions, we can ask ourselves:

• Who really “owns” this behaviour? Is it about them or me?
• What might be driving their actions?
• How can I remain curious and open, rather than defensive?

As Stephen Covey wisely advises in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we should always “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” By focusing on understanding what drives someone’s behaviour, we not only reduce our own stress but also create space for empathy. 

How Empathy Helps

Empathy is the antidote to fear, particularly fear of the unknown. When we practice empathy, we shift our mindset from seeing others as threats to viewing them as complex individuals with their own stories and challenges. This doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour, but it does mean recognising that the behaviour we find challenging may have deeper roots than we realise.

Practical Strategies for Managing Challenging Behaviour

Here are a few steps you can take the next time you encounter challenging behaviour:

• Pause before reacting. Take a breath and give yourself a moment to process what’s happening.
• Ask who “owns” the behaviour. Is this about the other person’s fears, frustrations, or unmet needs?
• Remain curious. Try to understand what might be driving the other person’s behaviour.
• Seek to understand. Ask clarifying questions and listen without judgment.

By practicing these strategies, you’ll find that what once felt like a threat can become an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding. You’ll also feel more grounded and less reactive in the face of challenging behaviour.

Final Thought

Challenging behaviour doesn’t have to throw you off balance. The more you practice curiosity, empathy, and understanding, the more resilient you’ll become in handling difficult interactions. Stay safe, remain curious, and remember—what’s behind the mask might surprise you.

Contact me to arrange a Strategy Session that will give you the tools to set you up for success.